A fresh start in 2012

Happy New Year!!! Okay so I’m a few days late, but the better late than never right?

Our little family survived the holidays. It was a busy, busy time and the kids were spoiled by all. =) The toys have now found their new homes in the playroom, the Christmas decorations are all put away {with the exception of 3 plates and some towels that are in the wash} and the house looks a little more normal – though slightly empty – again.

Today was the day that I had been looking forward to since December 8th… the day that we got to see our little bean again. We had the first trimester screening test scheduled for this morning and I was looking forward to getting that little nagging feeling out of my system – I guess I’m a bit of a worry wart until I can actually start to feel my children move in me. While I had that same feeling with Noah and Abby, it was a bit more so this time. So this morning we bundled up the kids and off we went to see our little bean. Surprisingly, everything moved quickly at the office this morning and before we knew it we were in the room being prepped for the ultrasound. The tech was taking her time looking at everything but the baby, and it was making me anxious… I went there to see our baby, not my ovaries after all. When she finally did zoom in it, I got that feeling again. I watched as she took the baby’s measurement, then again and yet again. Every time the measurements came back 2 weeks too small… not good. I looked for the tell tale fluttering in the center, asked a question… I can’t remember now if I asked “How’s it look?” or “Is everything alright?” or something else along that line.{Edit: Ray let me know that what I had said was “It’s not looking so good, is it?” – I would have never remembered that} The answer that I got though was the one that confirmed everything.

I am a bit of an emotional mess right now. It’s crazy how quickly you can become attached… how quickly you start dreaming and planning and then “poof” all that is gone… and yet at the same time, I feel relief…. at not having to worry about the what if’s anymore – there were so many “what if’s”… but then in the following minute I hate that I am not given the chance to worry. I know that everything happens for a reason, but it’s so hard to see what that reason is right now.

So, it’s been a hard day here for us. One that was filled with many, many more hugs than usual… which is a lot, because there are many hugs given here on a normal day. It’s a day that I will gladly see an end to in a little bit. I do want to end this on a bright note though…

Abby said her first real sentences to Ray and me the day before yesterday “I wuv yu maami” “I wuv yu daddie“….. music to our ears!!