Little black rain cloud

Winnie the Pooh - Little Black Rain Cloud

I’m just a little black rain cloud
Hovering under the honey tree
I’m only a little black rain cloud
Pay no attention to little me
Everyone knows that a rain cloud
Never eats honey, no, not a nip
I’m just floating around over the ground
Wondering where I will drip  

We rented the new Winnie the Pooh movie for the kids this past weekend and the Honey Tree video was included on it in the bonus section… something that I’m very happy about since it is one of my favorite Pooh moments. This song has been playing on repeat in my head today… both a good and bad thing, but at least it makes me smile. I’d be lying if I said that today has been an easy day so far.

It was officially Ray’s first day back to work… he was supposed to go back yesterday afternoon, but ended up staying home after getting the news… so it’s just the kids and me today. It’s been going well for the most part, but there are definitely moments. I’ve been trying to not be sad or cry in front of Noah and Abby, and have been doing good for the most part. I failed at nap time though.

I had let Noah lay downstairs on the couch and put Abby up in her room. Both were playing around and refusing to sleep and I was trying not to get frustrated. At one point I looked at Noah and asked him to just close his eyes, he didn’t have to sleep, just close his eyes… he proceeded to leave his eyes open and laugh at me {forget the terrible two’s – three’s are soooooo much harder!!}… at which point I just started crying. I had had my fill and couldn’t handle any more… crying came as a natural release, because – let’s face it – I’ve been doing quite a bit of it since yesterday. Noah thought that I was goofing off and proceeded to laugh even harder at me… and call me silly. I should have gone upstairs and put myself in a “time out”, but I couldn’t move. Instead I sat there and sobbed for a minute or two until he realized that his mama was not playing around and came over and hugged me {not my finest parenting moment, but god that hug felt good!}

We sat there for a little while and then I told him that I was just sad… and you know what? He looks at me and asks me “Is it because you bwed fru your pants?” – I wasn’t sure that I had heard him right, he had said it so quietly so I had him repeat it. Sure enough though, that’s what he said… the thing is that the night before Christmas Eve while we were running a last minute shopping errand, I did in fact start bleeding {sorry if that’s too much information for you… just keeping it real}. It wasn’t for a very long time or anything that had alarmed me too much since the same had happened when I was 6 weeks pregnant with Noah, but it was enough of a reason for me to call the Dr’s office after hours and tell them what was going on. At the time we thought it might be my body getting rid of the second fluid sac… now I know better. At any rate, Noah must have been paying attention to the phone call, since we didn’t really talk about it in front of him afterwards. So…. I let him know that I wasn’t sad because of that and then he asked “The baby?“… I couldn’t lie so I said yes.

Yesterday, after the ultrasound screening, we drove straight to my ob for a consultation. Instead of having everyone come with me, Ray kept the kids with him in the car. It bothered Noah that we weren’t all together though and after a few questions, Ray ended up explaining that we had made a mistake, there was no baby and that’s why mama had to see the other doctor alone. Afterward, when Ray told me this, I agreed that it was the best explanation… we thought that anything else would just get too complicated for a preschooler. The thing is though that Noah had seen the first ultrasound photo and knew that there was a baby in there… while he accepted Ray’s explanation yesterday, I don’t think that he really believed it. So when his next words this afternoon were “Where’s the baby?” I had a hard time continuing on with the “there was no baby” explanation… instead I told him that the baby had to leave us. The look on his little face was so sad and he whispered “but I fought dere was two babies” {he was in fact convinced there were}. My heart – and eyes – melted again and we talked {and hugged} for a little while, before he finally agreed to lay in my arms and fall asleep… with me humming the melody to the Baby Mine lullaby from Dumbo.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post… I wanted to originally write about something completely different… I guess I just felt to need to write… and while I don’t plan on  this topic being the only topic that I write about from now on, I guarantee that this will be the last post of this nature. I do have to go now though… I have the cutest little 3 year old sitting next to me singing his ABC’s and wanting to paint a dinosaur. =)

5 thoughts on “Little black rain cloud”

  1. I know that pain that you speak of to well. The mixed emotions. All I can tell you is that in time it will get better and it is true everything does happen for a reason. You still have a chance to have another baby and for that you are blessed. Trust me. Keeping you in my prayers.

  2. In times like these, I want to offer words of encouragement, to give my sympathy, to say the one thing that will ease your pain. But unfortunately, I can not do that. So instead, I will tell you that I am thinking often of you, Ray, Abby and Noah – and when you cross my mind I am asking God to give each of you peace and strength in the days ahead. And if you should need to write again about this – I will come, I will read, and I will be here for you.

  3. I know I just posted this on another previous blog post, but my heart goes out to you and your family. May you begin to find healing in your children and enjoy every second of painting that Dino!

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