This particular post was started back in April… and has sat untouched until now. I wasn’t able to finish it… I was in a funk… creatively, mentally and physically. It was hard finding the words to my feelings… and in writing what I did at that time, I felt like if I would continue on, it would probably send me spiraling down into some deep, dark place… I’m not really sure why I felt that way, but I did… and I was certain that it would happen if I continued… quite honestly, I didn’t want to go there. I’ve dealt with enough dark times in my life to not want any more of them if they can be avoided… and so this post sat… and sat… and sat some more. I want to finish it though and am not quite sure the direction that it will take, but I do know that I am in a different place now than I was then… time has passed, and time has healed whatever wounds it could heal since then as well… and so here I sit, on a cloudy September afternoon, to finish this post that I started nearly 5 months ago.
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{from April 13th, 2012}
I will be 35 this year… 35. When we were kids, the years couldn’t pass by quickly enough… now though… I sometimes wish that they would stand still. I have been to many places in my life and done many things… I know that I am blessed to have had those experiences, no matter how good or bad they were at the time. They have helped shape me into the person that I am today… and to be quite honest, I really like that person… most days. I know that I’m not perfect and don’t pretend to be… I am who I am.
I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this. What started out one way in my head, is now turning into something completely different. While clearing out the broken pieces of wall tile out of our bathtub, my mind started wandering from Noby’s etsy shop, to this blog, to the time I spend with the kids and Ray, and then to our home…. and then that train of thought just looped back around and the whole thing started over again.
The one constant in those thoughts… time… and how it is spent… or better yet, how I choose to spend it. So here I was wiping away dust and dirt while listening to my children play in the next room, and instead of envisioning the way our bathroom would look once completed, I was worrying about whether or not I was spending enough time doing everything that I would like to be doing…. and, the answer was no. Well… mostly no. I do spend a lot of time with the kids – it’s one of my jobs and I love doing it…. most of the time {yesterday was trying, but we all have those days right?!}. I will admit that the time that I spend with them is not always the best quality time… the house does need to be cleaned and the clothes washed, folded and put away after all… not all of that can be done during nap time, especially when the two of them play musical naps like they have been this week {1 up 1 down… soooo much fun!!! 😉 }. I love that I get to stay with home with them though and am so happy that I am able to be there for them right now.
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Noah turned 4 last month and Abby is 2 1/2 now. They are growing up so quickly… their personalities are so vibrant and couldn’t be more different from each other. There isn’t a day that passes that I don’t wish at least once, to be able to remember a certain moment forever… I know that I won’t remember every single one of them, but I think, that when I do pull up that collection of jumbled together memories, it will be filled with one thing… love.
When I originally started writing this, I think that I wanted to put who I am into words… and then it only naturally shifted to the children, because right now… in this stage of life, they are a very, very large portion of who I am today. Not only are with me 24/7, but I could probably list all of the times that I was away from them for any period of time longer than just going to the store or to Dairy Queen to buy blizzards. =) I never thought that I would be like this, and yet here I am… not quite a true “attachment” style parent, but pretty darn close… and you know what… that’s okay with me, because I love it.
I’m turning 35 years old later this month, and I think that I am just now getting comfortable enough with myself and my life, to let myself truly be me… and you know what? It’s about darn time too!! I have big plans for the future… plans that require me to grow a little more… to step out of my comfort zone a little more… to become more of a planner and less of a “fly by the seat of my pants” girl… plans that, while they will require lots of work on my part, will hopefully bring positive changes for my family. I’m excited, nervous and a little scared sh**less… I can’t wait to see how it all turns out in the end though!