Body Issues

Like so many other women out there, I have struggled with body issues most of my life. It’s hard not to have them when you see what is on the magazine covers and when everyone of them has some sort of tip on how to either stay slim or how to lose weight. I have two sisters and we all have completely different body types… K is petite, N is thin… and then there’s me… I’m… curvy. Even though we are all so different, I can’t help but compare myself to them.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will never fit into a pair of jeans smaller than a size 8… and that unless by some miracle (or screw up in the cut), I will rarely wear a “small” top. It always bothered me that I was not only the tallest, but also the heaviest out of the three of us… I mean, I think I’m the only one of us that never worn a size 0.

I’m curvy… I have been for as long as I can remember. I have a waist (well had before the pregnancy), hips, a butt that’s not huge but will definitely fill out a pair of pants and thighs. I have never been overweight, but also never a walking stick. I remember one time while in high school (when I weighed about 116 lbs), hearing someone… a fellow cheerleader actually… comment on my thighs. I thought the same then as now… what a jerk. I will always have them… no matter what I do to get rid of them… which is why for the longest time I affectionately referred to them as dancers thighs… because for the longest time that’s what they were… now… well they’re here and they’re mine.

Fast forward four years ago… when I was the thinnest I had been since 1997 (thanks in part to being newly in love)… I still didn’t feel like I was that small. It’s funny, because I was at my “goal” weight… I had finally, after years of trying, reached 127 lbs – that magical place that was at the very bottom of the “healthy”portion of the BMI chart… anything less and I would be underweight. At this time though, I wasn’t trying to lose weight and the weight loss was more of an annoyance than anything else… because it meant that my bridesmaids dress, which had been altered just 2 weeks prior to my sister N’s wedding, no longer fit me correctly… it was too loose and I had to use double sided tape and safety pins to make sure it stayed like it was supposed to (and even then I was afraid I might flash someone). I won’t lie and say that I didn’t feel good about myself, because at the time I did… but at the same time, I still felt awkward in my own skin… I could still see the “problem” areas I had thought would go away with weight loss, but didn’t.

Since that time I have gained and lost weight, but the problem I have now is this… I fear gaining weight. I tried for so long to maintain a weight that I knew was healthy for me… a few pounds higher than the weight I was at the wedding… that it’s hard to watch the scale go up. Don’t get me wrong… I love being pregnant and seeing the bump grow, but for the first few weeks of this pregnancy I just couldn’t get it out of my head that I was thisclose to being back at my starting weight that I had when I got pregnant with Noah. I was 5 pounds away from my starting weight… 15 from my healthy “goal” weight… had I exercised more in the past year, I’m sure that I would have reached both.

The thing is this… when I found out I was knocked up pregnant again, it didn’t take me long to think about the whole weight gain issue. I knew that I would gain… probably more than the recommended  25-35lbs… I mean I gained 45 with Noah. I just kept thinking that if I gained that much again, it would put me not far away from the 200 mark. That scared me. Not because I was afraid to gain that much again… I enjoy eating and being pregnant lets me eat without thinking feeling guilty… no, I was scared because I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to lose it afterward. Crazy I know… but that’s how my mind works.

As it turns out, I now weigh the same as I did with Noah at this point in the pregnancy. I haven’t gained as much (despite the best efforts to gain from quite a few DQ Blizzards) as I did with Noah, but that’s not for lack of eating… no, I think it has more to do with I am much more active now than I was then (I have to be too, Noah doesn’t sit still for long!). Though the weight isn’t coming on as quickly, the bump is growing and I love it! In fact I’m pretty sure it’s bigger now with this munchkin than it was at this time with Noah… but then again Noah did stretch it out for the little munchkin 😉 (It’s still looks flabby and not much like a bump though)

I wasn’t sure if I should post this because I didn’t want to be misunderstood. I love being pregnant and there is nothing nicer than having a big round belly and feeling that little person kick and move around. It’s just that I had a hard time moving from the mentality that had me watching what I eat and watching my weight to the one where I don’t care what the scale says. I also know that it will take time to get the weight off afterward, but that will happen in it’s own time too.