We are on vacation and I sit here on the couch with the laptop while my husband is sleeping next to me and my son naps upstairs. I’m expecting Noah to wake up any minute now only to fall asleep again as soon as I hold him. Ray on the other hand… the poor guy is sick. It happens every time he has some time off. It’s not bad enough that he had to say goodbye to his dog yesterday… no, he’s got a head cold that he can’t seem to get rid of too(it is not the swine flu thank goodness).
So as my men are resting, I think of all of the things that I should be doing… finishing laundry… cleaning the house… putting away the suitcases and vacation stuff from this past weekend… but instead I blog, read and comment. I think about whether or not my blog is where I had intended it to be and what I can do to change it and get it back on track.I ask myself if the giveaways are worth running… it seems like many people aren’t as interested in them anymore and I see the same giveaways pop up over and over again… maybe there is an over saturation or maybe I’m not doing something right. The giveaways are getting comments and entries, but not very many entrants. I love having them though… so more rethinking.
I try not to think about yesterday… but I can’t help myself and every now and then a fleeting thought passes through and the tears well up again. It is too fresh and it makes Sammie’s passing feel like it happened yesterday and not 11 months ago and that just doubles the pain. I try to calm down quickly, because I don’t know how all of this affects baby girl… she has been pretty quiet since last night and I wonder if she can sense the sadness. Noah is doing okay with it… I don’t think he’s even really realized that she’s gone… he’d gone over to her corner a few times this morning and looked around, but that was it. He’s too young to get what happened and in a way I am so very happy about that… it’s been hard enough as it is.
I don’t think I’ve ever lived without a dog… this will be the first time that I can remember not having an animal to take care of. We still have 3 fish, but those don’t count. It is a change that will take some getting used to.
I didn’t go to class last night… I couldn’t bring myself to do it… I felt that Ray needed me more than that and besides I don’t think that my brain would have been in it anyway. Instead we cleaned and packed up the cage and he brought it downstairs for the dog that we will get one day years from now… we both agreed no dogs until the kids are in school, I’m back to work and we have a house. That’s the plan… to buy a house once I’m working again. Then I think about Spring classes and I don’t know what to do… registration began 2 weeks ago… I am due with little girl mid-semester and I don’t know how that would affect my going to classes… do I skip this semester and start again in the summer or do I try to take an online class that doesn’t require me to be present every week at a certain time… I haven’t decided yet, but need to get off of my butt about it.
I want to be in a good mood, but I am quite understandably in a funk today. I will move the moves though and play along so that Noah can still have some fun. We will get dressed and go outside and enjoy some of the sunshine… collecting twigs and looking at leaves… and I will try not to think for a while.