It’s been a while since I’ve checked in… nearly a month (maybe even over a month now… I started writing this last week). In early October, life busy with school, hockey practices and games, Halloween preparations, and product development for the shop… add to that a growing little person, hiding inside of me, making me tire more easily…
Everything was going well I when went for my 20 week checkup
two three weeks ago today, but I couldn’t help the sense of dread that crept up into me that morning… the same feeling that I would before each and every appointment up until then. I brushed it off, because I didn’t actually think there would be anything wrong, but that feeling was still there, lurking just under the surface.
On that particular Tuesday night I decided to bring Abby and Michael with me, instead of sending them off with Ray and Noah to hockey practice. Abby was so excited to be able to finally hear her little sister’s heartbeat… thankfully, she was distracted by one thing or another once we’d gotten into the exam room… there was nothing to be heard.
The doctor took me from one room into the next, then again into another, trying desperately to find our little girl, and her little heart… first on the doppler, then on two different ultrasounds. The second, larger screen confirmed our worst fears… our baby girl’s heart had stopped beating… and while Abby was excited to see her baby sister, I desperately fought back the tears that would let her know that something was terribly wrong.
It’s been three weeks since we’ve found out… 20 days since I saw her for the first and last time… and while the daily distractions of life make the pain of her loss more bearable at times, it’s just all very hard right now. Between the loss of my father in August, and now this, it’s just been too much and, to be honest, there are days where I just let grief take over.
And so it’s gotten silent on here. Snuggling with the kids, spending time with my husband, knitting, crocheting, even cleaning is easier than typing and pretending everything is alright when it isn’t.