On Openness and Honesty

The thing about being an introvert, is that it is so very hard to really put yourself out there for everyone to see. Even when “hiding” behind a computer screen and typing the words out on the keyboard, it’s tough to step over that imaginary line drawn on the ground, hit publish, and just bare it all for the world to see without censoring yourself in some way.

I find it even harder not to censor myself, since I don’t write anonymously… some friends and most of my family are aware of my space here and receive updates in one way or another. Because of that, and maybe also because I am an introvert, I tend to shut down whenever it gets too hard for me to open up, when I really just want to get my feelings out there.

Now, I’m not saying that I’ve never opened up and have never written about my feelings on here… I have… but it isn’t always easy… and more often than not, I don’t write about the subject completely enough to have gotten everything off of my chest.

This year is all about growth though… and if that  means that I need to open myself up a little more, then so be it. I’ve been blogging for about 4 1/2 years now. You’d think that after such a long time, I’d feel more comfortable in the little space that we’ve made here… that I would have gotten over my insecurities and wouldn’t feel the need to hold back, and that well… good or bad, I would be able to write about whatever was on my mind at any given time.

In reality it’s not quite like that though, now is it? In fact, last year was pretty bad, and I feel like I barely wrote about anything at all.

For me, 2012 began much in the same way that 2011 ended… like a big pile of garbage… and I’m not just saying that because of the miscarriage. My relationship with certain people in my family had been at an all time low for months… and well, between that and our pregnancy ending, it was just too much.

I have kept a journal of some kind or another for as long as I can remember. The problem though is that over the past few years, my little online space has replaced any paper journals that I may have otherwise used. I knew deep in my heart that I needed to release my feelings somehow, but I also knew that this was not the right place to do so… and so I  held myself back and didn’t write, neither here nor in a “real journal”.

Over months, the feelings that I had inside of me grew and festered… and I didn’t get better. Try as I might to put on a happy face, that feeling inside of me didn’t go away and I could tell that I was getting depressed. It kept going like that until I realized that it had to stop and it was up to me to stop it. I not only had to change the way that I felt, but I also had to change the way that I let others make me feel.

Sometimes you just have to come to a decision as to how you are going to deal with similar situations in the future, wipe the mental slate clean, and just move forward. It’s not easy… it’s not easy at all. But that is exactly what I did.

I’ll be completely honest here and say that the world still isn’t all sunshine and roses, but at least my outlook and how I let it affect me has changed… it’s the little steps that count. =)

This year is all about the little steps and the growth that will come from them. I am in a better place now… and though there are still days where it seems the world is a little darker than it was the day before, I’m not going to let myself get sucked in again. I’m also not going to look for reasons to not write anymore… whether I am happy or sad, have photos to go with the post or not {that’s also a reason why I haven’t been writing as much… I felt the need to have a good photo with each and every post… and well, I don’t always have one}, if I find myself needing to get the words out, I will. That doesn’t mean that I will be writing with an “everything {and every topic} is fair game” attitude… but you will probably be reading more about me and how  I am… not just about the kids, my latest project, or how Noby Designs is doing.

I love blogging… I love writing… and I look forward to bring that back here.